Don't Leave Home Without It

There’s infinite reasons why America is so awesome. I mean, hell, that’s what keeps me writing. But sometimes, something comes along that makes us look so good, you can’t help but scream at your reflection.

Of course, I’m speaking of affluenza. Never heard of it? Maybe you should pull your head out of your cashmere sweater, $#!^face.

From Wikipedia:

Affluenza, n. a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more.

How cool is that? We in America are working so hard at looking awesome, we're actually negatively affecting our psychological health. Scoooore!

Other countries (Chad, for example) barely get enough materials to clothe and shelter themselves from the elements. So, the people sit there being hot (or cold), getting rained on (lame!), while we buy so much ridiculously awesome stuff from China via Wal-Mart, we need to purchase bigger homes to store everything (not lame!). It's a win-win.

Some specialists say affluenza stems from those who are experiencing a lack of purpose. I disagree; their purpose is to make sure America remains the Number One Country. If buying an insane amount of unneeded crap is what gets their rocks off, I say, let their gotten-off-rocks drive our economy upward.

The best part is that we haven't even been paying for this epidemic...it's been charged to credit cards (free money). You know what that means? Yep; over time, we're paying even more than initially thought, to simply sit there as we become more stupid, dumb, inactive, and surrounded by products that no longer excite us. But, at least we have more stuff than them! And, don't forget that MasterCard and Visa have enormous corporate-boners from all the interest payments they receive. Watch your eye!

As affluenza spreads, just remember: we started it. You're welcome.

What purchases make you happiest? Let us know in the comments.