The Taste of Freedom

When I think of America, I think of a lot of things: water, wheat, flour, yeast, salt, bread, and of course, ranch dressing.

Ranch dressing is awesome; it tastes like it looks.

As the Number One Country, America loves ranch dressing more than any other country in the world. More than Poland, Thailand, Iceland, Finland or Cleveland.

While those countries are busy working or not eating shit, we’re busy drowning our iceberg lettuce in saturated fats and buttermilk. BUTTERMILK…the king of milks.

Invented by the Amish of Hidden Valley, PA, in 1852, buttermilk is essentially just that: butter and milk heated over an open flame, then vigorously whisked. The elders took one look at their invention, and realized that—after mixing with seasonings—it could be drizzled atop salads for an awesome flavor-explosion. Hidden Valley Ranch was born.

The Amish soon came to be known round the world as the “Pilgrims of Dressing.” Their scrumptious sauce drew worldwide media attention to their insane lifestyles, but they would never know.

Sixty years after the birth of ranch, the Amish sold the Hidden Valley Ranch name and retired millionaires. You know who owns the dressing now? Clorox. That’s a fact. The bleach corporation paid a premium for the white sauce.

Today, 85% of Americans eat ranch dressing on 45% of their food. We enjoy decimating the nutritional benefits of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, snap peas, peppers, radishes, celery, and other vegetables. Having been a private detective, I’ve seen some proud Americans use ranch in very awesome, unorthodox ways:
- lube
- hair gel
- dippin’ sauce for fries
- window-fogger
- ice cream
- pizza sauce
- other

That's all I've ever seen. If you have other odd uses/foods to mix with ranch dressing, leave a comment.