We Own The Moon!

My Insides Are Burning

2008-08-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

This is America. This is a country built on freedom. And if that freedom means building a politically-regulated pharmaceutical industry so that people can still get their "fix" by just jumping through extra hoops, then so be it.

We think we can't fix ourselves, and we're right; washing down powder-filled pellets is the only way to feeling as best one can. It's easier. Just stop walking places: drive. Forget creating your meals: buy them factory sealed.

Some people will say, "But pills are poison, our country is overmedicated!"

I agree.

"What?!" That person responds, flabbergasted.

Yes. We are overmedicated. There's a reason for that: we're the Number One Country! That means we are the best at obtaining and consuming medicines. YEAH BOY!

Once again, America's global dominance stands shining like President Bush with a forgot-my-umbrella look on his face.

Yikes.

A Ticket for the Bus

2008-06-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

Homeless people.

We all love 'em. The way they walk. The way they smell. The way they argue with the wind. It's people like the homeless who make America what it is: a hot mess of nomadic freedom-lovers.

Homeless people are the most patriotic; many recycle, several collect coins, and most of them literally sleep on America.

In this great country, 18% of 19-23-year-olds are homeless. That's 12.4 million young-adult patriots showing the world that even without a home, America's the place to be.

Awesome.

People are always focusing on the bad parts of homelessness. I'm too much of an optimist for that.

The homeless are lucky, because they:

- Don't bother with searching for bathrooms.
- Have the confidence to talk to whomever they want.
- Get to burn stuff in old 55-gallon drums.
- Enjoy different shoes simultaneously.
- Walk around in blankets.
- Are good at yelling.
- Excel at making humorous/scared faces.
- Fall into no tax-bracket.
- Aren't restricted to gender-specific fashion.
- Can't get foreclosed on again.

Anyone with a small part of their brain working can see why being homeless rocks. Leave a comment about why YOU think being homeless is the American way to go.

With Meatballs

2008-06-24T17:31:00.001-07:00

In America, our cars subliminally communicate with other drivers. How so? By having objects stuck to the exterior.

Our first piece of "Lookatme!" is the Boeing-sized hood-wing. I believe most refer to it as a "spoiler." An accurate description if there ever was one. It teams with your car's bodykit to personify a third-grader's sketch.

You live in L.A. Traffic will never let you go fast enough to need that, and if it does, you will take to the air in a haphazard, disintegrating fashion. The American way!

Parents across the country have started feeling a little less guilty after admitting, "I love my child's sporting endeavors so much, their personal safety means nothing." Yep. You guessed it, the ol' baseball-stuck-in-my-minivan's-back-window-but-I'm-not-going-to-fix-it gag.

Finally, let's say you add flame decals to your vehicle's logos, grills, and wheel wells. That an American's way of warning you, "This car burns at high-speeds. Stay back."

While it is very nice to give a non-verbal "heads up" to other drivers, the flame may not be the way to go. How awesome would it be if you had spaghetti running down the front panels? Or blood. Now THERE'S something with a bit of a punch: blood.

You will get pulled over, and possibly arrested, but for those short moments driving with your bloody car, people will know you don't mess around. That's right. "I don't mess around, I'm American."

Have an idea for something other than flames? Let your voice be heard in the comments.

The Big Button on the Right

2008-05-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

It all started in 1881, after Kenneth Kodak introduced the world to his "light-catching box."

Photography wasn't popular initially, because it was too expensive. After a while, however, when 35mm cameras premiered in 1967, affordability helped usage bloom.

Today, you can't go anywhere without getting your picture taken. Even if you frequent a dive bar, someone in your party will always have a camera.

Which brings me to why America is so awesome: we've segregated our pictures. Girls take pictures cheek to cheek, with kissy-faces and white teeth shining; guys stand side by side, a respectable distance apart, giving a toothless smile if any at all. So much of the same thing...Americans being AMERICAN!

On of our social norms has us adhering to what we think we should be doing in a picture; it's caused the percentage of shitty ones to skyrocket. More and more photos fail to be defined as "photography," and instead revert to a simple cataloging of the familiar.

Sears. Yeah, I always think of it, too.

If you can remember the last time you shopped at Sears, leave a comment. It's the American thing to do.

You Were in a 4g Inverted Dive with a MiG28?

2008-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

The movie Starman. That's where I first learned of "the middle finger." If you've seen this Jeff Bridges-vehicle, maybe you remember when he (as an alien) uses a urinal for the first time. He observes the guy next to him so as to learn how to properly relieve himself, and the harried trucker rudely flips him off, saying "Up yours!" I asked my grandma what that meant, and she said it was something bad, and not to do it.

The next week, on the school bus, I flipped off Gene the bully. Gene always needed a shower, and he had homemade tattoos. He was 14. A lot of the times he wore Megadeth t-shirts. These shirts almost always had their sleeves removed. He called me a "bathead." He deserved it.

After my detention, I learned to use the finger sparingly and out of eyesight of authority figures. I came to appreciate its strength and nuance.

Fast-rewind 230 years earlier:

Twenty-four months before declaring our independence from the Brits, William Williamson trademarked the middle finger through the Office of the Continental Congress. In short, America became the owner of the gesture. It was actually the first hand motion to be internationally recognized by the United Nations (U.N. Pref. Assoc. 34(c)-0.1ch7).

At first, no one knew that getting "flipped the bird" was an affront. But, thanks to the local printing press (kudos, Johan Guttenburg), the public learned they should be completely offended by a particular outstretched digit. It was an early taste of the freedom our country would soon have...the freedom to be told what to think. AWESOME!

Like telling people they're number one? Let us know in the comments.

Not Tonight Ladies, I'm Here to Get Drunk

2008-05-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Alcohol. It helps 220 million American adults deal with their goalless lives. Well, not all adults...you still have to wait three years after your "adult" 18th birthday.

Why did we, as a country, decide you need to be 21-years-old to legally drink alcohol? Because Herbert Hoover was a gambling addict, and figured it was a lucky age for you to get unluckily plastered.

But Americans weren't always so lucky.

The year was 1922. Americans were happy because no one saw the Great Depression coming. The men were hung like elephants, and the women were looser than a pair of old socks. Then, someone decided to ruin the fun and prohibit alcohol from being consumed. Redonkulous.

For the next 11 years, Prohibition helped millions of tavern owners become homeless, gave homeless people an excuse to actually buy that bus ticket home, and helped build millionaires out of whiskey-runnin', gun-totin', law-flauntin' future politicians. But, that all came to an end after Eisenhower's famous "I'll Have a Beer" speech.

The end of Prohibition allowed our nation to stagger back to it's feet, just in time to get drunk of its ass.

As I write this, America is the only country whose drinking age is 21. All other countries have either 1) no alcohol, 2) no drinking age, or 3) a drinking age lower than 21 (it's 12 in Brazil). Do the math.

Turning 21 is a special time in every non-teetotaler's life. It's the day that one usually sees how much alcohol can be ingested before his or her body defense system literally rejects (read: regurgitates) more than the amount it has determined will kill you. Does that make sense?

Anyways, back to malt liquor: If our Forefathers hadn't invented malt liquor, I would not have been able to get depressingly drunk on my 21st birthday. Not only did I go to the liquor store at the STRIKE OF MIDNIGHT, I bought King Cobra.

Have you ever drank King Cobra? I hadn't. My buddy and I thought it would be a fun choice. We were also idiots.

Now, I'm not sure who the brainiac-wizard was who came up with the name "King Cobra," but it has no snake parts listed as ingredients, and the only reason to call it "king"-anything would be the fact that after too many, it commands you to lie across the kitchen floor.

We were drinking forties. That's slang for a 40-ounce beverage. A big beverage. It's feels even bigger as those alcohol-soaked ounces drive through your circulatory system.

After a couple of "KCs", as we liked to call them, I went to the bathroom. (Warning: a little gross disclosure coming up.) As I sat on the toilet (doing what men do when they sit on a toilet...besides reading), my stomach told me it wasn't feeling good. So, I had to throw up in the bathtub. At that point, my eyes were watering because the stomach acid was so pungent. Also, my nose was running. If earwax could somehow flow, I think all my orifices would have been putting in some O.T.

The moral of the story? Don't drink King Cobra.

So, malt liquor and Prohibition (the end of it) are just two more reasons why America is awesome. Don't think I'm right? Why don't you let me know in the comments

Put It In Your Mouth

2008-04-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

French fries: You stuff 'em in your face, and smile until you're crappin' your pants later in the day.

The first French fries appeared right after the French-American War, in 1827. After thoroughly defeating the "Berets" (as they were called back then) the Americans celebrated with a large breakfast.

Cookie, the frontier cook, wanted to whip up his favorite fried 'taters, but did not have a knife handy. He found an old screen door, and pushed the raw potato through, creating thin slivers of potato. Later, at breakfast, Americans were heard talking about the newly shaped, fried vegetable; it was delicious. In a show of respect, Americans decided that the new side dish would be called "french fries." It was the least we could do for the country that never wins.

At the turn of the 20th century, Matthew Donell saw gold where others saw tubers. He opened a burger-restaurant, McDonalds, and served french fries with each hamburger sandwich. The fries were such a big hit, he created his business' logo in honor of two, curved fries that he accidentally dropped on the floor. The Golden Arches indeed.

But the French weren't always so loved.

Years later, France wouldn't back America in a fake war (shocker), so a lot of people felt betrayed by the baguette-country. French fries were briefly changed to "freedom fries" in the South and everywhere else that FOX News is popular. People on the street were angry and proud: "AMERICA MOTHERTRUCKER!" they would scream in the background of the local news' on-location reports.

Still, while the voices of the republic said one thing, their mouths said another; French fries continued to grow so popular, they came to make up 39% of the average American's annual diet. Appalling...and delicious.

Though we are now fatter, we still are happy knowing America is the Number One Country. No country has so brazenly hurt themselves in order to honor another. We sweat respect...even from climbing one short set of stairs.

If you like fries, let us know in the comments. If you don't like fries, why not, Commie?

Don't Leave Home Without It

2008-04-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

There’s infinite reasons why America is so awesome. I mean, hell, that’s what keeps me writing. But sometimes, something comes along that makes us look so good, you can’t help but scream at your reflection.

Of course, I’m speaking of affluenza. Never heard of it? Maybe you should pull your head out of your cashmere sweater, $#!^face.

From Wikipedia:

Affluenza, n. a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more.

How cool is that? We in America are working so hard at looking awesome, we're actually negatively affecting our psychological health. Scoooore!

Other countries (Chad, for example) barely get enough materials to clothe and shelter themselves from the elements. So, the people sit there being hot (or cold), getting rained on (lame!), while we buy so much ridiculously awesome stuff from China via Wal-Mart, we need to purchase bigger homes to store everything (not lame!). It's a win-win.

Some specialists say affluenza stems from those who are experiencing a lack of purpose. I disagree; their purpose is to make sure America remains the Number One Country. If buying an insane amount of unneeded crap is what gets their rocks off, I say, let their gotten-off-rocks drive our economy upward.

The best part is that we haven't even been paying for this epidemic...it's been charged to credit cards (free money). You know what that means? Yep; over time, we're paying even more than initially thought, to simply sit there as we become more stupid, dumb, inactive, and surrounded by products that no longer excite us. But, at least we have more stuff than them! And, don't forget that MasterCard and Visa have enormous corporate-boners from all the interest payments they receive. Watch your eye!

As affluenza spreads, just remember: we started it. You're welcome.

What purchases make you happiest? Let us know in the comments.

The Taste of Freedom

2008-04-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

When I think of America, I think of a lot of things: water, wheat, flour, yeast, salt, bread, and of course, ranch dressing.

Ranch dressing is awesome; it tastes like it looks.

As the Number One Country, America loves ranch dressing more than any other country in the world. More than Poland, Thailand, Iceland, Finland or Cleveland.

While those countries are busy working or not eating shit, we’re busy drowning our iceberg lettuce in saturated fats and buttermilk. BUTTERMILK…the king of milks.

Invented by the Amish of Hidden Valley, PA, in 1852, buttermilk is essentially just that: butter and milk heated over an open flame, then vigorously whisked. The elders took one look at their invention, and realized that—after mixing with seasonings—it could be drizzled atop salads for an awesome flavor-explosion. Hidden Valley Ranch was born.

The Amish soon came to be known round the world as the “Pilgrims of Dressing.” Their scrumptious sauce drew worldwide media attention to their insane lifestyles, but they would never know.

Sixty years after the birth of ranch, the Amish sold the Hidden Valley Ranch name and retired millionaires. You know who owns the dressing now? Clorox. That’s a fact. The bleach corporation paid a premium for the white sauce.

Today, 85% of Americans eat ranch dressing on 45% of their food. We enjoy decimating the nutritional benefits of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, snap peas, peppers, radishes, celery, and other vegetables. Having been a private detective, I’ve seen some proud Americans use ranch in very awesome, unorthodox ways:
- lube
- hair gel
- dippin’ sauce for fries
- window-fogger
- ice cream
- pizza sauce
- other

That's all I've ever seen. If you have other odd uses/foods to mix with ranch dressing, leave a comment.

Smokey

2008-04-15T22:50:00.001-07:00

Forest fires. They're not awesome, but fighting them sure is. What's even more awesome is the person that tries to stop them from happening in the first place; "prevent" if you will.

A lot of other countries don't have a forest fire problem. Why? Because they are a tropical wetland, because they have firefighting robots, or because they DON'T HAVE FORESTS. Think about it, brainrods...America is the Number One Country for forest fire-awesomeness.

This is where a large, brown bear (who has obviously killed a state trooper and stolen his clothes) comes in, and begins talking to you. Yes, Smokey Bear, the enormous murderer, solemnly addresses his concerns regarding the safety of our forests, and the stupidity of our population.

What's so awesome about Smokey Bear?

- His hat is woven from unicorn shedding
- He sounds like Barry White
- He dated Cher
- He doesn't wear pants all the time
- When he does wear pants, they're tight-rolled jeans
- People think his middle name is "the"
- Smokey Bear Act of 1952 (16 U.S.C. 580 (p-2); 18 U.S.C. 711), which provides for actual imprisonment for those who manufacture goods depicting Smokey Bear without having secured a license from the government
- His hat is actually the top of his head; a birth defect left Smokey with an open skull. Careful!

There's 2 other reasons why Smokey Bear makes America so awesome. They are never brought up publicly.

Comment on what you think makes America the Number One Country.

It Really Tied the Room Together

2008-04-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

Many will agree that Calvin and Hobbes helped make America awesome, and that it was one of, if not the, best comic strip ever. It was funnier than any comic strips from any other country. Funnier than that Mohamed cartoon that upset so many hirsute gentlemen. It was awesome.

But, after the cartoonist for C&H decided to call it quits in December 1995, America, the Number One Country, lost a bit of it's luster.

For starters, a huge blizzard killed 100 people in America, January 1996. The problem was that kids had lost their inspiration. Since Calvin no longer showcased his enormous snowmen-armies, American children weren't aware of how to utilize the large snow cache; the frozen water built up to deadly levels. (It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure this out.)

Luckily, because America is so awesome, some crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat-but-just-might-be-smart-enough-to-pull-it-off Redneck graphic designer saw gold where others saw yellow. Yes, the Calvin-pissing-on-something sticker was created, and people were interested.

Finally, through illustration, those with no handle on metaphor could harness the power of Mark Twain's crass proclamation:

"There are particular things in life that I disdain enough to want to urinate upon."

The thing that makes America so awesome is that we can piss on whatever we want. In the windows of many an F-150, I've seen Calvin pissing on:

- Ford
- Chevy
- Dodge
- The Shroud of Turin
- Coke II
- Toothbrushes
- The flag of Honduras
- Differing opinions
- Cobra Command
- College
- Self-esteem

We will never run out of things to be drenched in Calvin's golden shower.

To continue America's reign as the Number One Country, comment on what you think Calvin should piss on.

The Third Gunman

2008-04-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

American cheese. Synonymous to Kraft Singles. Found in every Big Mac. Looks like a miniature road-sign.

American cheese. Just saying it makes you think of a color somewhere between orange and yellow. An awesome new color that hasn't been named yet.

I love American cheese. Why? Because it's got my name on it; American cheese is my cheese.

I don't even know why we call it "American cheese." It's obviously here, shouldn't it just be "Cheese"? Look, I don't sleep in "American garages," I don't receive "American restraining orders," and I don't buy "American candy" for children. Let's just call it what it is.

Why is American cheese so good? A brief look back can help us:

When American cheese was invented in 1971, Kennedy's advisors held an emergency meeting with 3M—future inventors of Post-It notes (notice cheese's similarity!?). Those guys knew that once the Nazi's found out, they would hate us for our freedom. They would also hate our cheese's freedom.

So, you might ask, "How good is American cheese?" Well, later that year, Kennedy was assassinated by a man hiding in a book depository. Coincidence?

There aren't any additional reasons why ~~American~~ Cheese makes America so awesome. You read everything you needed to.

Comment on what you think makes America the Number One Country.

No Surchage for Freedom

2008-04-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio, and heard a commercial about banking at the Bank of America.

The commercial's number one reason for banking at B of A? Because you live in America.

How awesome is that? A super genius took a good look at how badass America is (check out our wars, son!), and realized that people want to bank at a bank they know is named after the country they live in.

This isn't the Bank of the United States. You know why? Because we live in America, the Number One Country. Foreigners call it the "United States."

If I had a $2 bill for every time I heard someone call it the "United States," I would have an envelope to keep my $2 bills in because I don't think you should spend them; especially if your grandma gives you three of them for your seventeenth birthday.

Bank of America: you would totally have my business if I heard one thing good about you (besides your name). Buy you're still awesome.

There are many reasons why Bank of America makes America so awesome. Period.

Comment on what you think makes America the Number One Country.

Uh, Haw, Haw, Haw, Haaaw

2008-04-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

Several decades ago, America's parent's were out of town, so America decided to throw a house party. It was going to be huge, and it was going to rock.

Every country who was any country was going to be there, and America had to make sure things went great. As the Number One Country, the night was only allowed to turn out awesome.

When it came time to choose the music, America wondered if it should get a DJ, or pay for a live band. Classiness has a price, so America chose the band.

Anyways, I'll get right to the point: ZZ Top is the band America chose.

You see, America always gets it right. How do I know? Because, ZZ Top is awesome in a million ways. Here are some:

- Two of them have beards.
- The third has a mustache, even though his actual last name is Beard.
- Their music makes you drive faster.
- Two or three of them always wear sunglasses.
- Their music sold pantyhose.
- One guy's name is Dusty.
- They're all about cars.
- They're all about ladies in bright colored clothing.
- They coined the term "HogZZilla" which is a mix of Hog (Harley-Davidson), ZZ Top, and Godzilla.

There's 32 other reasons why ZZ Top makes America so awesome, but that's all I'm going to list here.

Comment on what you think makes America the Number One Country.

We Own the Moon, Bitch!

2008-04-07T22:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to We Own the Moon, a blog about America.

Actually, it's more about why America is so awesome. We are so awesome; we own the Moon.

What's so big about owning the Moon? Oh, I don't know maybe that:

- Every time you admire the Moon, you're admiring America.

- When the Moon shines at night, letting you safely jog, that's the Sun's rays reflecting off America.

- On those perfect summer days, where the Moon is still visible, that's just America's way of saying "Just a reminder that the Moon continues to be ours, day or night."

There are 11 more reasons why owning the Moon makes America awesome, but this is enough.

Comment on what you think makes America the Number One Country.